By Marianne Liaw

“And they lived happily ever after…?”
Fairy tales often end with newly-weds riding on horseback into the sun, headed towards a lifetime of happiness and bliss.
But if you are (or have been) married, you’ll be able to agree whole-heartedly with me that this isn’t the case at all. At least, where marriages on planet earth are concerned, that is. Ask any married couple, and they’ll tell you that there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, Christian marriages included. Even the godliest of couples will tell you that marriage comes with its fair share of ups and downs.
(Sorry if this sounds like a bit of a let-down, but) Every marriage comes with its share of heartaches, pain and disappointments. In our five years, my husband, Daniel and I are becoming increasingly aware (we’re still learning!) of the reality of living as husband and wife.

God’s design for marriage
So, if that’s the case, is marriage even a good thing?
The answer from the Scriptures is, yes.
When Paul writes to the church in Ephesus regarding marriage, he quotes from Genesis 2:24, emphasizing that marriage is indeed part of God’s design for mankind.
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Ephesians 5:31-32)
God’s design for marriage from the very beginning is the union between a man and a woman “till death us do part”. It involves two human beings, a male and a female coming together in a life-long relationship of intimacy.
When defining the concept of becoming “one flesh”, Ray Ortlund, in his article, “What is marriage, according to the Bible?1” puts it in straightforward, down-to-earth fashion:
“Two selfish me’s start learning to think like one unified us, sharing one everything: one life, one reputation, one bed, one suffering, one budget, one family, one mission, and so forth. No barriers. No hiding. No aloofness. Now total openness with total sharing and total solidarity, until death parts them.”
A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
Surely, God’s intended design for marriage couldn’t have been spelt out any more clearly in the Scriptures. What was written in Genesis was quoted also by Christ himself when being tested by the Pharisees (Matthew 19:4-6) and by the Apostle Paul.
God’s definition of marriage from the Scriptures is one which every faithful Christian should seek to uphold, even in recent times when the biblical definition of marriage has been challenged, thrown out and trampled upon by the world.

The Mystery of Marriage
In a sinful and fallen world, where anyone who is on the look-out for a spouse is told to find someone who “makes YOU happy”, “completes YOU”, “brings out the best in YOU” or “makes YOUR dreams come true”, marriage has become a relationship where the end goal has been reduced to self-satisfaction and self-gratification.
The Scriptures clearly tell us that this ISN’T the goal of marriage. This is because marriage is SO much more than just two people coming together to enjoy a life-long relationship of bliss and happiness.
In Ephesians 5:32, Paul describes that the mystery2 of marriage refers to Christ and his church.
This means that Christian marriages should reflect the relationship between Jesus and his people, “a living drama of how Christ and the church relate to each other”3.

The role of a husband and wife in a marriage
So, given that a Christian marriage should help others to get a glimpse of how Jesus relates to his church, how should this “living drama” play out in real life?
Paul puts in plainly in Ephesians 5:25-30:
“25Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendour, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body.”
Christian wives are called to submit lovingly to their husbands in everything, as to the Lord, and husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved His church. (Ephesians 5:22-25)
The concept of “headship” and “submission” in a marriage may sound out-of-date and even repulsive to society today. Women may find the idea of “submission” to be degrading and demand that their roles be identical or interchangeable with their better, or some of the ladies might even say, inferior half. There may be a fear that the headship or leadership of a husband in marriage may lead to oppression and even abuse. But one must understand these concepts and roles within the framework of Scripture.
Let’s turn our attention first to the concept of the headship of a husband in a marriage. Headship does NOT mean that a husband exercises complete control and lords it over his wife, treating her as less than equal or as some would put it, “a doormat to walk on”.
How are husbands called to love their wives? Just as Jesus loved us so much that he gave his very own life to redeem us from penalty of sin and death and to make us holy that we might be a people who belong exclusively to him, Christian husbands are exhorted to display the same form of self-giving, self-sacrificial love towards their wives within their marriage.
The headship of a husband in a marriage is not one of dictatorship but one of servant leadership, following in the footsteps of Christ. A husband is to seek to love his wife as himself, not looking after his own interests only, but those of his wife, especially her growth in godliness. And under his Christ-like servant leadership, a Christian wife should seek to lovingly submit to her husband in everything, as to the Lord. That is, she is to honour and affirm his leadership in their marriage and to seek to do all she can to support and enable him to carry out his role as leader.

The Ultimate Marriage
In my younger days, being a terribly strong-headed and independent woman, I initially struggled with the idea of having to submit to the leadership of a husband if I ever were to be married. In my sinfulness, I failed to grasp the true meaning behind Christian marriage as revealed in God’s Word.
However, in the five years that Daniel and I have been married, I’ve witnessed the way he seeks to carry out his role as a Christian husband, loving me just as Jesus loves his church. He has stood by me in sickness and in health, and has never failed to keep encouraging me to love and serve the Lord Jesus Christ and his people. Very often, he has quietly led me by example, and helped me to realize my sins and weaknesses. I can truly say that I’m thankful to God for Daniel’s leadership in our marriage. Together, we have sought to keep serving Christ by helping each other to grow in godliness as husband and wife and by serving those whom he sends our way within our church community and beyond.
Our marriage of course, is a far cry from being the “perfect” marriage, but then again, both of us recognize that all Christian marriages on earth are but a pale glimpse of the ULTIMATE marriage which is to come when Jesus returns to gather the church, his redeemed people, his bride to himself.
The Apostle John records a vision of this ultimate marriage in Revelation 19:6-9
6 Then I heard what seemed to be the voice of a great multitude, like the roar of many waters and like the sound of mighty peals of thunder, crying out,
“Hallelujah!
For the Lord our God
the Almighty reigns.
7 Let us rejoice and exult
and give him the glory,
for the marriage of the Lamb has come,
and his Bride has made herself ready;
8 it was granted her to clothe herself
with fine linen, bright and pure”—
for the fine linen is the righteous deeds of the saints.
9 And the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the marriage supper of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These are the true words of God.”
As Christians, all of us look forward to the ultimate “happily-ever-after” ending, when we will spend eternity in awe and worship of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, when he returns.

1 https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/ray-ortlund/what-is-marriage-according-to-the-bible/ (accessed 14 August 2019)
2 The term “mystery” which is used in the New Testament refers to something that had at one time been hidden but is now revealed by God to his people
3 https://www.desiringgod.org/messages/husbands-who-love-like-christ-and-the-wives-who-submit-to-them (accessed 14 August 2019)